I almost didn’t post this blog. I was worried it was too raw, too real, and too negative. But then I remembered I started this blog because I need to share our truth, and our journey. That includes the good and the bad. To do the most good, I have to be the most unapologetic authentic me as I can be. Every emotion that comes up in life has the right to be heard, acknowledged and expressed, or else it becomes trapped. There is value in the pain, the struggle and the humanness… So here it is:
The Reason I Cry
I cry because I don’t want this to be our life. I didn’t choose it. I choose you, but I don’t choose this.
I don’t choose the stress, the advocacy, the politics, the explanations. I don’t choose the lack of support, awareness, and misinformation. Yet I am made to feel that I do.
I cry because no matter how much patience and love I show you… I can’t force others to do the same.
I cry because I have to be “that person” the one who pushes, who fights, for things that you should be able to take for granted.
I cry because no matter where I reach out to for support, a door closes in my face.
I cry because I don’t know the right thing to do…and I worry that I never will.
I cry because I feel drained. Because I lose the fight, because I never wanted it to be a fight. But, I have no choice, so I do it anyway and will never stop fighting for you.
I feel the distain and frustration of others. All while I’m trying to be the best mum I can be. I cry because after all this…they still seem to blame me.
I probably get it wrong sometimes. But I have to analyse every decision and every moment of every day. It is constant and it is exhausting and I’m doing the best I can.
I don’t cry because of you. I cry because I can’t do better for you. That the world can’t do better for you. I cry because there is so much out of my control.
I wish we could be free. I cry because we are not. I cry because this is our present and our future.
I cry because I don’t know that I’m enough, no matter how hard I try.
I cry because I worry who will be there for you when I’m not.
But I also cry because you have so much potential and I sit here willing the world (and you!) to see it.
I cry because I could not love you more.
I cry because you astound me with your heart and your soul.
And I’m grateful you chose me.
So Thank You. I Love You. I’m right by your side, always.